Список серий сериала Моя жена и дети

In the series pilot, Michael is upset. Why? Because Janet wants to work full-time, because Jr. admires gangsta rap and because Claire wants to go to school in a tank top. Making matters worse, younger daughter Kady keeps yammering at him in Spanish---thanks to Rosa the nanny, who, he's convinced, can't stand him.

Michael is ready to pound Jr. because he suspects his son has gotten a tattoo. But Jr. won't own up to it (he won't take off his shirt, either). Meanwhile, Kady's mad at Michael because he won't let her go on a sleepover.

Jr. and his friend Tommy want to write songs but can't find their muse. Their solution: something they smoke. Meanwhile, Claire doesn't have time for Kady; and Jay wants to get rid of Michael's old "stuff" in their closet.

It's "Jr. time" when Michael goes one-on-one with his son on the basketball court. Then sore loser Michael must take Claire on a shopping expedition to buy underwear. Needless to say, she's excruciatingly embarrassed.

Jr.'s F in algebra becomes an A through the magic of forgery. But it doesn't fool his parents, who decide to "toy" with him. Making matters worse: Jr. told Claire and blackmail ensues.

With Jr. in danger of failing algebra, Michael comes up with a unique plan to help him pass; and Jay has mother-daughter relationship problems with Claire, who is turning into "little Miss Attitude."

Jr. is being teased by a new neighbor, a boy who is much bigger than he is. But the bully is no match for Claire. Meanwhile, Michael and Jay are once again sparring over Jay's working. "You're Wonder Woman," he tells her, "because every time I come home I'm wondering, 'where's my woman?'."

It seems as though Michael and Jay are speaking Chinese---they simply aren't paying attention to each other one Saturday. It all begins because she wants him to take part in family activities and he wants to watch basketball. So he tunes her out when she asks him to do something. Of course he doesn't know what it is.

Claire has her first crush, and when the boy comes over, he can't take her eyes off her...father's video game. Meanwhile, Jr. injures a delicate part of his anatomy.

Michael's single brother Ken shows up for dinner with his 21-year-old girlfriend, Tiara, sparking Michael's fears that his marriage (or at least his sex life) has lost its spark. Meanwhile, Claire's getting her hopes up (a bit too much) about an upcoming dance contest.

Michael's accountant (radio personality Doug Banks) dies suddenly, prompting Michael to vow "to live life to its fullest." His definition of "fullest" includes hugging Jay and the kids incessantly, wearing a wig, and deciding to sell his business and live in an RV. And he's driving his family crazy.

Part 1 of two. Jay's away tending to her laid-up mother, so Michael's in charge of the household. The kids don't like it. "You miss your mommy a lot, don't you?" Michael commiserates to Kady. "More and more every day," she replies.

Conclusion. Jay's still away, but the house is more crowded than ever. Among the guests: Claire's friend Charmaine, who doesn't seem to want to go home; and Jr.'s new "friends"; (two of whom are played by Damon Wayans' sons Damon Jr. and Michael);, who aren't very friendly to him. Meanwhile, Michael tells Kady fanciful stories about her birth (one of which features a cameo by Shaquille O'Neal).

Jr. and Claire are chafing at Michael's household rules, so he drops them all. He also stops doing anything for them. That means they must cook their own meals and get themselves to school. It also means no curfews for Jr., but locked doors when he returns home. And it means that Claire may talk on the telephone as long as she likes, as long as she uses the pay phone Michael has installed.

Claire and Kady and Jr. are fed up with the way Michael has been treating them while Jay has been away ("You've been a dictator," Claire tells him), so they concoct a fantasy about "the perfect dad." Then Michael gets a turn to concoct a fantasy of his own. Gary Coleman has a cameo as Kady's fiancé.

Jay finally returns from California and it seems that she has put on weight. Trouble is, she won't admit it, and that concerns Michael. But what he tells his shrink concerns his performance anxieties.

Michael won't let Claire go to a party, but she's not about to take "no" for an answer, so a standoff ensues. Father-daughter trust is its first victim as she plots to go to the party while he plots to catch her.

Lou Rawls guest stars in an episode that takes a lighthearted look at a serious problem: colon cancer. Rawls appears as a singing doctor in a sequence in which Michael "previews" his colonoscopy the night before he has it. Getting him there is not easy. "What is it with men?" Janet fumes. "You take better care of your cars than you do of your bodies." That doesn't make him bend. What does is the thought of not being there for his kids.

Claire, playing a dare game with Jr. and Kady, eats Michael's piece of pie. Michael's punishment: Let them eat pie (and only pie). Meanwhile, Michael offers to be the dieting Jay's "chubby buddy": He'll eat the same lo-cal food she does. Of course, he doesn't tell her that he plans to cheat.

Jay's in for a surprise when she takes Claire and Kady to her office on Take Your Daughters to Work Day: She gets fired. "Baby, I'm so sorry," Michael tells her. She knows he doesn't mean it: Now he has the full-time housewife he's been longing for.

When Jay buys new computer software, Michael, assuming that Jr. will use it to watch pornography, demands she return it. Jay refuses, precipitating a cold war between the two. "Fix it," Jr. tells his father. He and Jay do. Do they ever.

Kady has acquired a hamster and Claire has a crush on a boy named Tony. Both developments pose parental challenges for Michael and Jay. The hamster dies. And Michael wishes Claire's new beau would follow suit.

Michael decides his kids are spoiled and puts them to work. They must use their allowances as "seed money" for businesses. So Kady opens a lemonade stand and Claire opens a beauty salon (in the living room). And Jr.? He becomes a professional gambler. Meagan and Melissa Freeman, sisters of regular Jennifer Freeman (Claire), play Claire's friends Meagan and Melissa.

Jay wants Michael to spend more quality time with her, while Michael wants to spend more quality time with his favorite video game. At first, Jay calls the situation "a breakdown in communication." Then she ratchets it up to "You don't love me." So it's off to a shrink. Meanwhile, Jr. has difficulty believing that other boys just might find Claire attractive.

Michael's cousin is getting married and Michael must rouse his reluctant family to get them all to the church on time. It won't be easy. The Kyles, he concedes, are "notoriously late" (except for him). Challenge No. 1: get Jay to decide which dress to wear.

The Kyles hit the road for an educational venture---they're going to Boston to visit Paul Revere's house. Trouble is, nobody but Jay wants to go ("Who cares where a dead rock star from the '60s was born?" moans Jr.). As it turns out, Jay's in a foul mood as well.

Part 1 of two. After a squabble with a man at a gas station, Michael is dragged to a family dinner at a restaurant. Things get no better for him when they get there.

Conclusion: The Kyles' dinner at a Japanese restaurant is already a disaster. Then they meet their dinner companions. Larry Miller appears as one of the dinner guests.

Michael breaks his no-dating-for-Claire policy, on the condition that her first date be a double date---with Michael and Jay. Back at home, Jr. baby-sits Kady and nickels-and-dimes small favors from her.

Michael's parents visit. That's a chore for Jay, who doesn't get along with his mother, while Michael doesn't get along with his father. And, talk about dysfunction, his parents don't talk to each other. Meanwhile, Jr. is seeing a cheerleader (Sterling Victorian) who's a bit too hot for his parents' taste.

Jr. overhears Claire and Tony talking about "doing it," and jumps to conclusions. Meanwhile, Michael discovers a gray hair (not on his head) and vows to "fight 40." So he takes up boxing. Wayans' sons Damon Jr. and Mike play two of Jr.'s friends.

Jay's getting a reputation as a stern taskmaster as the coach of Kady's soccer team, so Michael takes over. His coaching philosophy is considerably more mellow (with results that would make Vince Lombardi blush). And soon, a coaching showdown looms.

Jay goes overboard trying to impress---and one-up---the boss after Michael hires her to help out around the office. Meanwhile, Kady makes a new friend in an old, out-of-this-world doll.

Jr. takes an IQ test, whose results are a surprise. Meanwhile, Michael isn't smart enough to assemble Kady's new jungle gym, and Kady announces what she wants to be when she grows up: a hall monitor. So she practices at school (and learns she likes bossing people around).

Michael hurts his back playing a game on "Family Night." The family thinks it's funny, so he decides to play with their heads. But he overplays his hand.

Jay's feeling "frumpy" after she and Michael run into a gorgeous and superachieving high-school classmate named Susan. So it's time for a makeover. Meanwhile, Jr. has made the basketball team. That's the good news. But there's an initiation to undergo: he must sneak into the girls' locker room and retrieve a certain item of clothing.

The Kyles go bowling and run into their not-so-charming dinner companions, the Tylers (Larry Miller, Kelly Coffield Park), at the alley. So it's a family-against-family match. But Jr. isn't interested in making war with the Tylers' daugher, Lisa, and he even knows how to speak her language (it's Klingonese).

Jr. gets his driver's license and buys his first car, a clunker that isn't going to get him anyplace fast anytime soon. Meanwhile, Claire's face swells up horribly thanks to a tooth abscess---just in time for picture day at school.

Part 1 of two. Michael and Jay's wedding anniversary's approaching, but Jay thinks that Michael's ignoring it. Meanwhile, Michael is frustrated when a "sexy mama" outbids him for a pair of Muhammad Ali boxing gloves in an online auction.

Conclusion. Brian McKnight serenades the Kyles at a backyard anniversary party, during which they renew their wedding vows. McKnight sings his 1999 hit "Back at One."

Part 1 of three. The Kyles go to Hawaii for a family vacation, although Michael would prefer it to be a second honeymoon. But Jay has "a full itinerary" planned, and it doesn't include honeymoon activities. At least he's bumped up to first class on the flight out, and he's surrounded by lingerie models.

Part 2 of three. The kids revolt at Jay's Hawaiian "itinerary," so it's back to the beach, where Michael happens to be girl-watching. But when he sees Claire in a skimpy bikini, he's not exactly ogling. Meanwhile, Jr. has donned his "tropical seduction suit," and it seems to be working on a girl named Leilani. Of course, he also tells her that his dad is Denzel Washington.

The Kyles' relaxing Hawaiian vacation concludes in a rush: Jay misreads the time on the plane tickets and there's no time to pack. That presents a particular problem for Claire, who bought so many clothes and charged them to their room. Michael won't like that when he gets the bill. Meanwhile, Jr. doesn't want to leave because he's in love with Leilani, and Kady won't leave without her doll Pippy, which she buried on the beach.

Jay's getting tired of the same-old same-old on her nights out with Michael, so she browbeats him into taking samba lessons. Making matters worse for him, the instructor---Mr. Roccocco---is a little friendlier to Jay than he would like. Meanwhile, Claire makes the cheerleading team, and Jr. wants to add his name to the "Guinness Book of World Records."

While making Claire's bed, Jay finds her diary. Of course she reads it, and that leads to a mother-daughter talk about sex. Meanwhile, Jr. takes an unofficial driving test when he takes Michael to an eye-doctor appointment. And all Kady wants to do is play hide-and-seek.

Michael decides he likes Claire's straitlaced boyfriend, Tony, so naturally Claire dumps him for a hip-hop swaggerer who calls himself 1040 EZ ("'Cause I be taxin' my women"). Michael is anything but pleased. Nor is Jay pleased when she sees the portrait of her that Jr. has drawn.

Tennis star Serena Williams guests as a teacher in an episode in which Jay volunteers to direct Kady's kindergarten-class play ("Romeo and Juliet"), and volunteers Michael to help her. But Jay, who has a very competitive side, doesn't want anyone to stand in the way of her "vision." And she treats her charges as though they were army recruits and she was a drill sergeant.

Claire and Jr. are continually fighting, to the annoyance of Jay and Michael, who decide to give them "a taste of their own medicine." They'll pretend to fight with each other. "If we can't beat them---and the law says we can't--- the only thing left to do is join them," Michael says.

Michael's younger sister, Kelly, drops in for an unexpected visit. Trouble is, Jay can't stand her, and Kelly does nothing during her stay to change Jay's mind.

Jr.'s awkward around girls, so Michael coaches him in the manly art of attracting women. He learns his lesson only too well. Meanwhile, Jay's mad at Michael because she dreamt that he had been fooling around with Janet Jackson.

Steve Harvey guest stars in an episode in which Michael encourages Jay and the kids to tap their creative juices. Jay decides to paint, Claire to design clothes and Kady to play the piano. Meanwhile, Michael renews acquaintances with his old friend Steve (Harvey), who has recently divorced and is playing the field. One of his dates owns an art gallery, where Jay's painting ends up.

Mos Def guests as Michael's old friend Tommy, who arrives for a visit with a surprise: he's in a wheelchair after having fallen from his roof while painting. Michael has difficulty accepting his friend's disability, and that annoys the very-competitive Tommy no end. Meanwhile, Claire doesn't want to take Kady with her when she goes to the mall, but her parents insist.

Michael and Jay attend a couples seminar, where they discover that their "fantastic" relationship isn't exactly that. Meanwhile, two of Jr.'s friends (Damon Wayans Jr., Michael Wayans) discover a way to use Claire's clothing-store job to make money for themselves.

Michael (aka: Chief Bald Eagle) is recruited to camp out with Kady and her friends and teach them Native American lore. Meanwhile, Clare and "the new Tony" plan to stay out all night themselves: they're plotting to sneak out to a "rave."

Michael, bemoaning the lack of quality time the Kyles spend with each other, decides to spend some time with the kids, whether they like it or not. Claire and Jr. don't, and Kady agrees only to watch the movie "The Little Mermaid" with him. Michael switches it with "Gremlins," and that scares her. So does the power failure that soon follows (she thinks the two are related). But it least the blackout brings the Kyles together.

Jay nominates Michael for the "Small Businessman of the Year" award and he assumes he's going to win it (especially after a golfing buddy on the organization's board tells him: "If my vote were the only one that counted, you'd be a shoo-in"). Meanwhile, Claire helps herself to items from Jay's makeup bag once too often.

Part 1 of two. Jr. has a new girlfriend and Michael thinks she's quite a prize. But Jay has her doubts. Meanwhile, Kady has a gentleman caller, a budding piano prodigy named Franklin (Noah Gray-Cabey).

Conclusion: Michael throws Jr. out of the house after he and Jay find their son in their bed with his girlfriend. Jay disagrees---strenuously---about the punishment, and the Kyle household is not a happy one. As for Jr., he has been banished to a tent in the backyard.